screw this,

i'm moving to amsterdam.

because deep down i'm a sick masochist,

The momentary eye locks, the time stopping pass by's, the tension and the terror, the obvious answers to unasked questions, the forbidden fruits and roads not traveled, the unspoken understandings of the sweet taste of tragedy and the secrets better left unsaid.



It's not that I always go for things I can't have.

I simply just like it because I can't have it.

Because I like to want the things that I'm not allowed to have.



Like thinking about things that I'm not supposed to be thinking about

like a glance that turns into a gaze

or a touch that lingers a little bit too long.



the forbidden fruit really does taste the sweetest.

the tracey fragments

"One day you fall for this boy. And he touches you with his fingers. And he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And it hurts when you look at him, and it hurts when you don't. And it feels like someone's cut you open with a jagged piece of glass."

dumb bitch

I just wanted

to say,

in the most

poetic and

beautiful

way,

you

stupid

bitch,

don't

fuck

with

me.

rewind

An entry from 12/31/2008:

this year,

• i will take better care of myself.
  *Check. Definitely followed through with this one. This summer I worked out every single day without fail, and cooked my own dinners with little to no meat. These past couple of months in school that all went to flames, but I guess I'll have to pick that up again..

• i will give IV, KCF, or KCCC a shot. gasp..
  Reading this one kind of makes me feel guilty... I went a few times and never went back. But hey, I did give it a shot! *Check
  
  
• i will quit bad habits.
  Hmm... followed through with this one for a while, but only to pick up new bad habits. *Check minus it is.
  
  
• i will take a chance... that one.
  Hahhahahaha. It's hilarious how vague this is, but how I remember exactly what I was thinking of when I wrote this one down. I'm glad I did it, and I'm glad it happened. *Check plus plus plus.
  
  
• i will call my friends more often.
  *Check.
  
  
• i will earn at least 3 A's.
  4 A's so far! Helllllllllllllllll yeah! *Check plus!
  
  
• i will not let my flaws define me nor rule my life
  Not sure about this one. I found a new confidence in terms of my passions. I don't let petty things get in the way of what I want anymore. But I still find myself being hesitant with other things. This is still in progress. *Check minus, it is.
  
  
• i will restore at least one broken relationship.
  When I wrote this, I had one specific person in mind. We're not the best of friends or anything, but I'm glad we're at least on some sort of base for communication. *Check.
  

2009 is gone, and I'm a little bit sad about it. I've had my real low points but it totally changed me for the better in just a few months within the year. I'm glad everything happened the way it has. I'm sad to see it go. I'm a completely different person from 2008, (which sucked, btw.) and I think I might kinda sorta like this 2009 Candice. What if 2010 Candice isn't as good as this one?

Well... I don't have resolutions this year. No expectations, nothin'. Just leaping into it this time. Cheers.

To answer your question,

I realize now that this isn't how I've been all along. This is just who I've become. I used to be great and perfectly fine with the idea of falling in love one day and getting married and yadayadayada, all that stuff. I was a romantic and I loved it.

But I'm now living in an intense fear of intimacy. And not the conventional kind. I'm talking, the kind that makes me want someone, the kind that makes me hope and dream about. Or feel deeply for something or someone other than myself.

Society has made people that know how to love into fools-- hopeless romantics, they call it. Society praises the heartbreaker and the one who is "strong enough not to fall in love." But since when has emotion become synonymous with weakness? This is all wrong. The real fool is the one who cannot love, who fears it because they cannot conquer it.

The real fool is me.

The one who keeps distance when I really only want you closer.

Because no matter what you think you might know,

I'm easier to love as a concept.

And,

because I can't make you happy.

(side note: the word "love" and any derivative of the sort makes me cringe, and I've mentioned it about 5 times in this whole thing.)

You hit a point where you become comfortably numb and you settle with where you're at. I forced myself to be alone and embrace dealing with myself without the comfort of anyone else. I won't lie– it was difficult at first, being alone. But now that I'm here, I don't want to leave. I've become so out of touch with any real sense of emotional intimacy that I'm not sure how to handle myself when I actually want to.

It's not a fear of getting hurt or any of that shit. I simply don't see the point in building relationships that I feel I already know the ending to.

So I just don't start.

I don't know what the hell I'm talking about anymore.

Peaceeeeee.

romance, candlelit or violent

I'm still on fire for you
even after the lights have gone dim
But my skin is
pallid ice
It really is as if
the blood has drained from my face
and has been diverted
to my core
in a desperate attempt
to keep it warm
See the colors I'm
changing for you?
Please understand
that this ache deep inside me
is something that
I only picture you
subsiding
I think you just might be
my type of guy
the one that understands relief in
falling
down and fucking
up and passing
out
You had me on ice
here with this
red light
on me
melting me slowly
smoothly pouring
out and then
dripping on
and off
your fingers
A continuous flow
of lava ice
churning and stirring
in a continuous
state of wanting you